Help I'm turning into my Mum.

I got a bit of a fright the other day. I happened to glance at a photo and though, ohh that me I can't remember going there. On closer inspection and to my horror (no offence Mum) it wasn't me but my Mum. This got me thinking about how I'm gradually morphing into her.

1. I've started wearing scarves.  Not chunky warm scarves outside but flimsy fabric ones indoors.
2. I've become to enjoy gardening.  It used to be a dread chore. 
3. I got through everyones names before I get to the right one.
4. I start a topic of conversation don't end it and start another.
5. I now like handbags. I use to be a stick your money and card in your pocket person.
6. And the handbag is full of tissues (mostly used), a loose mint and I can never find my keys.

I'm sure there are many more. I told John that I was turning into my Mum, his comment is unprintable incase she is reading this.

Fighting a losing battle.

Today I'm having a mini rant, I'm sure I will get over it but for the moment I'm fed up at trying to keep my house looking nice and failing.
We move in to a lovely pristine house a little over a year ago. It was love at first sight. Beautiful newly fitted kitchen/dining room, large living room and 3 bedrooms. The walls were all freshly paint off white, along with a newly laid cream carpet throughout the whole house. Stunning.
However, since we have moved in it seems we are on a constant battle to keep it that way. There is a smudge trail that is child height going up the stairs. A bashed door frame from a sit on ride car. Splatters on the walls when food has been flung.
I feel that I'm turning into woman off Last of the Summer Wine, who follows her husband around with newspaper but instead I'm armed with carpet cleaner and a cloth.
When we have dinner nearly the entire carpet area is covered in a plastic mat to catch spills. I mean who would carpet their dining room cream. I'm saving to have it laminated. I dare not drink red wine for fear of a spillage.  Rant over, sorry about that.

DIY wooden play house.

A few months ago we purchased a wooden play house from Ebay.

After a few months of stating at it through the window, I have finally made a start on jazzing it up. This is the progress so far. A few more layer of paint, some bunting, a new window and some curtains and it will look fab. James is already enjoying playing in it.

So bad you have to laugh.

It isn't very often that I'm disappointed in a day out. We tend to be a family who make the most of what is given, be thankful and get on with it. Yesterday, my sister, mum and myself took James and Marley to visit Tattershall Farm Park. Which is described as a place where fun and farming go hand in hand. Ha. What a load of twaddle.

 Firstly, this place is just down the road from where we live. We couldn't find it, despite googling it before hand. There were no signs, nothing. It took us ages, I was getting more worried as James didn't have a nappy on and thought he might have an accident.  Col (sister) who was travel from a different direction spent over an hour getting there even though it was 15 miles away. We eventually found it down a pot holed, dirt track.

The price I didn't think was too bad £5.50, though it was the same price for a child as an adult which seemed a bit steep. The place itself is a few old barns and crew shed which have been altered. It looked grim from the start. There was 2 Shetland ponys in the smallest pen. I assume they have a bigger field somewhere. The tortoise area was non existent, we decided that they had escaped and were trying their luck in the wild. 

There was an outdoor wooden play area/obstacle course which was quite good but can be found in any park for free. There were also signs all over saying no adults in the play equipment. A few Little Tikes slides and houses were throw in for good measure. In one of the barns was a indoor soft play. The boys and Penny enjoyed running around. It wasn't busy (maybe due to people not being able to find the place) so they had the run of the place. It could do with some toilets in there and a few more chairs and tthe heating turned up as it was freezing.
In the other barn was a toddler area which had a few toys in it but smelt bad because it used to be a barn, a party room anda sandpit, which James and Marley enjoyed but was very cold to sit in and watch them play. 

The award winning cafe was ropey, with a smell of grease that hits you when you enter the place.  There was a definite lack of choice and it was expensive.  £5 for a panini and you had to ask for the side salad due to wastage! Marley had a childs jacket tate. The last potato so James couldn't have one. However, when his dinner arrived there was only half a potato on his plate. Goodness knows where the other had disappeared to. James has a ham sandwich and some of Grandmas chips. Luckly, I took a few munches with us for Penny and pudding. 

The animals were the wosrt part of the visit. As it sells its self as a farm park I did expect better. Near the outdoor play area was a classic farm animal, the raccoon. Just the one, looking very forlorn. Followed by a "colony", 2 chipmunks and I think 2 goldfinches. Nearby was an aviary containing 4 white doves, a pigeon and a pheasant. There were also a few chickens and a few sorry looking ducks in pens. In the main petting barn were a pig, 4 sheep, 2 rabbits and 3 baby rabbits. We thought there might be lambs as it is lambing season or goats and kids but no, nor were there any chicks just a sign saying there were coming. There were a few turtles, bearded dragons and mice in the reptile area. Despite the website stating that the animals liked cuddles there was no stroking the animals. No hands on displays and no staff in the petting barns. Oh I forgot the poor little barn owl and pegingrine falcon.  

The place feels like a swizz. That the owner thought a few animals and slide call it a park, charge what you like. There is no link between it and farming which was a shame for my farming/tractor mad son. Having said that, both boys enjoyed it and have a good day out, but they would have also enjoyed a day in the local park. In fact James spend the other morning in the village where we live watching them dig up the road. They are easily pleased. I think I'm more annoyed with the fact as adults we were taken in by having to pay to take them somewhere when in fact they don't really care.

I'm Sorry

Normally it is me who reminds people of family birthdays that are coming up. This year I'm slacking. Apologies go to Emily and Vic who both have had birthday last month which I have forgot. They have yet to receive their pressies and cards.  I have, however, got them some really lovely goodies.

And so I don't risk missing out on my nieces birthday in June I got this lovely set for her.

Extravagance.

For the last few weeks I haven't felt like going out and about. Despite this I have been a little extravagant. It isn't often I treat myself to something indulgent and thanks to the wonderful world of the internet the shops came to me.
My first purchase was a lovely baby blue jumper from Dorothy Perkins and a couple pairs of leggings which don't count as my old ones have holes in them. Baby blue isn't really my colour but I'm really pleased with it and it was a bargain in the sale and I had discount count codes as well. It is so soft and huggable. I just hope it washes well.

My next treat was a coffee machine. I've been itching for one for ages and dropping little hints at Christmas. This is the high of extravagance as really what is wrong with sticking the kettle on? As I'm the only person in te house that really drinks coffee it is a gift just of me. I decided on a Dolce Gusto Melody.  I managed to find it at a bargain price along with a few discount codes. It came with a £10 off code for the Dolce Gusto online shop. So far I'm really pleased with it. The hot chocolate is especially yummy. If I remember I will try to do a proper review on here after I have explored all the yummy pods I've been buying.

Can't Sleep

My favourite part of each day use to be moment as you wake up and begin to think about the day ahead and also the moments at night when everything is still just before you drift off to sleep.
I have come to dread these moments of the day. The moment I wake and realise that not everything is as it should be, that something is missing and can never be replaced.
The nights are the worst. Laying there willing myself to get some sleep, all the time thinking. I have started going to bed latter, watching rubbish TV in the hope sleep will come quicker.
During the day I can keep my thoughts at bay. James and Penny keep me busy. My garden has never looked so good, every weed has been pulled. I've made a good start on the playhouse, getting it painted.
If only there was a way to just switch my brain off. I desperately need a good nights sleep.

Getting Back up.

So for nearly 3 weeks (4 if you count the fact I have had the flu) I have been stuck at home. Apart from the hospital appointments, my hub has been centred in the house and garden. It is about time I try, however difficult, to emerge from my cocoon and return to the land of the living.

Clacton here we come.

Today I have booked our Summer holiday. We all are in need of a break and something to look forward to. Our choice this year is.....Clacton.
Not a part of the world we have been before so looking forward to exploring new exciting places. We are stopping at a Park Resort holiday camp. Many people would probably be cringing at the thought of these places, but we tend to use just them as a base and go out for the days. I do like the fact you can get food and there is some place for the kids to run off steam in the evenings.

My D&C

Yesterday I had my second scan at the hospital. As we thought I was going through a miscarriage.  This wasn't really a surprise as the bleeding had got worse over the week and the last 2 day I was bend over double with cramps.
I had already decided a D&C was the right course of treatment. Last time I had a natural miscarriage,  there was little pain, but it did take over a month to fully miscarry. Meaning that I didn't dare go back to work incase I bled. This time it didn't seem an option, I needed to get back on track and looking after the rest of my family.  I was fortunate to get the operation the same day.
I have never had an operation before and I think I have got myself worked up about it over the week. I'm also not the best patient. I don't like needles, but then who does. The worst bit was the drip being put in place, they had to have 2 attemps at it, but I was very brave and gritted my teeth. The operation was explained in great detail by a lovely midwife who dealt with  miscarriages.  She stayed with us throughout the day and looked after us brilliantly and didn't mind when I ended up a sobbing snotty mess.
I was really worried about what/where the baby went after the surgery. My fear was that it would be just chucked away in a bin. I know that it was only a size of a pea but it was still a baby to me and already a part of our family. The midwife reassured both me and John that it would be checked to see if it was all there, then given the the local crematorium where they hold a mass cremation and prayers are said and the ashes scattered in the remembrance garden. This was such a relief I couldn't stop crying.
The operation took about 15mins. It was preformed blind which meant the surge(another lovely lady) did it by feel. Basically,  she scraped the wall of the cervix to loosen the baby and placenta which is then removed.  I was anesthetised at 4.15 and came round just over an hour later. There wasn't any pain and I wasn't that drowsy.  I did go all shaking and cold, which is normal so they gave me more oxygen and blankets. An hour after that I was put on a drip and taked back to the ward.
I don't know whether it was relief or the anesthetics but I felt really well considering.  There was little bleeding which is expected to last up to 2 weeks. I had to wait 4 hours post op and they made sure could keep a drink then food down. Dad picked us up at 11pm, as I couldn't drive afterwards. I had the best nights sleep I had all week.
I don't think I would have managed yesterday or the whole week if John had not been by my side. He has been such I rock. Sorting out the kids, letting me sleep and cry and just being there when I needed him.
Today we had a good talk about how we felt. I think I have been rather selfish and self centred.  Thinking about it was just me going through this feeling the loss. We didn't even talk about this the first time I miscarried,  I just went in my own bubble. I know it may sound mean but it helps knowing that he feels the loss too.
Today I woke up feeling refreshed.  However, after walking around a bit I felt tender and achey. I keep getting waves of cramps not painful but uncomfortable. I'm going to take it easy over the next few days and keep the painkillers close by.

Completely drained.

At the moment I feel utterly exhausted.  I've been trying to keep busy to stop myself from thinking to much. The tiny hope I did have has died. The main concern at the moment is how, when, where and how painfully the miscarriage is going to be when it comes and if I can cope and also to not disturb the children. Monday I'm booked in for a second scan, the midwife implied that it might be possible to have and D&C the same day. This might be the best option as it gets it over and done with and won't affect the children's lifes. However, it does feel as if I'm getting rid of it and aborting it rather than it happening naturally.

Heartbroken.

Today we recieved the news that our baby will never be. I will never get to cuddle, kiss or hold him. To count his fingers and toes and to smell him. I have however, in his short time he has been with me been able to love him completely and this I'm grateful for. This week is going be difficult for us all and I'm praying for a miracle for the small bit of hope we have.

Week 9. First midwife appointment.

So today was a big day. My first midwifes appointment. This time, unlike all the others, I was on my own. John was looking after James as he is ill at the moment. So, most of the hours appointment was filling forms relating to my, Johns and our families health. Followed by a list of No Nos, which seem to have got longer since the last time. Bang goes the crafty McFluffy or Mr. Whippy. Bang goes the McDonald's milkshake. Since when was they on the list? I don't think I can last 9 months without a creme egg McFluffy. Another big whoops happen over the weekend. We went to a farm park, which had a petting bit. No petting the sheep or goats or cows or chickens. Whoops. No digging in the garden without gloves because of cat poo same with washing mucking potatoes!
Another surprised was a blood test, didn't expect that. Maybe that's a good thing because I'm not a big fan of them.
Apart from feeling sick after I've eaten everything (touch wood) seems to be going well. I won't truly relax until I have a scan picture in my hand.

First Steps

Penny took her first steps yesterday. Just 2 steps from my knees to the sofa. I don't even think she realised that she had done it. Of course, John missed it by seconds and she refused to do it again. Maybe she will be like James who took his first steps at around 10 months then did nothing until 13 months. We were beginning to think we have dreamt it. The on weekend Ros came down and he got up and walked to her, we were stunned.

Week 7

At the beginning of this week the worry had stepped in and I began to think I was no longer pregnant. The lack of symptoms were concerning me and I also have a bit of spotting. However, since then there has been an onslaught of tiredness and nausea and despite feeling like a zombie most of the day I can't help feel relieved that everything seems ok. With James I have hardly any morning sickness, I was just tired. Penny, I could eat or drink anything as it just turned my stomach. With this one it seems to be a bit of both. I eat loads and tend to feel sick in the morning and at night. The tiredness is the worst, I have just started working most of the week and I get in from work and just want to sleep. However, John wants to work, James wants to play and Penny want cuddles.

James' birthday bash.

Last week James turned 3. 3 seems very grown up. He birthday party was a success. There were 3 other children invited in the afternoon. They all seemed to have a good time. As it was in our house I tried to organise little activities for them to do rather than running round crazy. We had a sweetie hunt to begin with, followed by party hat decorating which Jessica loved. After a digger themed tea complete with train jelly they had pass the parcel. All the grown up got on well, in fact they didn't want to leave so the children had a good play as well.

His sit on ride tract8 and trailer went down well. As did Auntie Katies Hexbug set (Missy Slug). He got heaps of dinosaur stuff which is great because he is dinosaur mad. He is a very lucky and a much loved boy.

5 Weeks in and the blubing has started.

Oh dear.
It happened with the other 2 children but I had completely forgotten about it. Yesterday I was watching DIY SOS and the tears started and before I knew it I was reaching for the tissues blubing all the way through. My hormones are crazy at the best of times but while pregnancy they go in sensitive hyper mode. Even listen to someone win a competition on the radio sets me off. It isn't just sob story which make me extreme but the slightest thing can wind me up and set my off. I pity John for the next 9 months, but hopefully he will forgive me, I did for the other 2.

Unexpected News

Yesterday, I had a bit of a shock. I'm pregnant again. The baby is definitely wanted and John alwayed fancied 3 children. I think I'm still in shock as it is a lot sooner than I hoped. Penny is only 10 months, not too sure how to manage the logistics of having 3 under 4s in the house. However, as with most things I'm sure we will work it all out and muddle along.

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow our gorgeous little boy turns 3. He is having a little party at home in the afternoon with 4 friends and family. The theme is JCB there are diggers everywhere.
Today I've been busy making yellow and orange fairy cakes and a very impressive birthday cake. Really looking forward to it.

Having a Clear Out. Free Ebay Listing.

While James is at nursery today I'm busy sorting though his old baby stuff to list on Ebay. Today Ebay are having a free listing day. For all items listed day and scheduled to end on Sunday (5days) Ebay have wavered their fee. Which means that I can start my items at higher price than the normal 99p.
I very rarely sell things on ebay I much prefer a car boot or table top sale, but as our house is starting to buckle under the weight of clutter it is time of a clear out. Not just James' things but mine too. Hopefully the little bit of money raised will go to a new window in his playhouse.