Nothing to give.

I have nothing to hold
No kisses to give
No cuddles to warm you
I can't dry your tears
I can't make you better
For a short time you were our world
Our future
Our family
Our joy
You were loved for the moment you were there
You will be loved always.

Having a Wobble

I'm not sure what is worry with me today. Maybe I'm tired out from the weekend. I feel really down and tearful. Feel as if I have been a rubbish mum today and rather self absorbant.  When I feel like this my brain automatically focuses on my miscarriage or maybe it is the other way round.
I should be 16weeks by now, family would have been told and I would be begining to have a little bump. I never enjoyed being pregnant with the other two, but I can't help thinking about what stage I should be at.

Can't Sleep

My favourite part of each day use to be moment as you wake up and begin to think about the day ahead and also the moments at night when everything is still just before you drift off to sleep.
I have come to dread these moments of the day. The moment I wake and realise that not everything is as it should be, that something is missing and can never be replaced.
The nights are the worst. Laying there willing myself to get some sleep, all the time thinking. I have started going to bed latter, watching rubbish TV in the hope sleep will come quicker.
During the day I can keep my thoughts at bay. James and Penny keep me busy. My garden has never looked so good, every weed has been pulled. I've made a good start on the playhouse, getting it painted.
If only there was a way to just switch my brain off. I desperately need a good nights sleep.

Getting Back up.

So for nearly 3 weeks (4 if you count the fact I have had the flu) I have been stuck at home. Apart from the hospital appointments, my hub has been centred in the house and garden. It is about time I try, however difficult, to emerge from my cocoon and return to the land of the living.

My D&C

Yesterday I had my second scan at the hospital. As we thought I was going through a miscarriage.  This wasn't really a surprise as the bleeding had got worse over the week and the last 2 day I was bend over double with cramps.
I had already decided a D&C was the right course of treatment. Last time I had a natural miscarriage,  there was little pain, but it did take over a month to fully miscarry. Meaning that I didn't dare go back to work incase I bled. This time it didn't seem an option, I needed to get back on track and looking after the rest of my family.  I was fortunate to get the operation the same day.
I have never had an operation before and I think I have got myself worked up about it over the week. I'm also not the best patient. I don't like needles, but then who does. The worst bit was the drip being put in place, they had to have 2 attemps at it, but I was very brave and gritted my teeth. The operation was explained in great detail by a lovely midwife who dealt with  miscarriages.  She stayed with us throughout the day and looked after us brilliantly and didn't mind when I ended up a sobbing snotty mess.
I was really worried about what/where the baby went after the surgery. My fear was that it would be just chucked away in a bin. I know that it was only a size of a pea but it was still a baby to me and already a part of our family. The midwife reassured both me and John that it would be checked to see if it was all there, then given the the local crematorium where they hold a mass cremation and prayers are said and the ashes scattered in the remembrance garden. This was such a relief I couldn't stop crying.
The operation took about 15mins. It was preformed blind which meant the surge(another lovely lady) did it by feel. Basically,  she scraped the wall of the cervix to loosen the baby and placenta which is then removed.  I was anesthetised at 4.15 and came round just over an hour later. There wasn't any pain and I wasn't that drowsy.  I did go all shaking and cold, which is normal so they gave me more oxygen and blankets. An hour after that I was put on a drip and taked back to the ward.
I don't know whether it was relief or the anesthetics but I felt really well considering.  There was little bleeding which is expected to last up to 2 weeks. I had to wait 4 hours post op and they made sure could keep a drink then food down. Dad picked us up at 11pm, as I couldn't drive afterwards. I had the best nights sleep I had all week.
I don't think I would have managed yesterday or the whole week if John had not been by my side. He has been such I rock. Sorting out the kids, letting me sleep and cry and just being there when I needed him.
Today we had a good talk about how we felt. I think I have been rather selfish and self centred.  Thinking about it was just me going through this feeling the loss. We didn't even talk about this the first time I miscarried,  I just went in my own bubble. I know it may sound mean but it helps knowing that he feels the loss too.
Today I woke up feeling refreshed.  However, after walking around a bit I felt tender and achey. I keep getting waves of cramps not painful but uncomfortable. I'm going to take it easy over the next few days and keep the painkillers close by.

Completely drained.

At the moment I feel utterly exhausted.  I've been trying to keep busy to stop myself from thinking to much. The tiny hope I did have has died. The main concern at the moment is how, when, where and how painfully the miscarriage is going to be when it comes and if I can cope and also to not disturb the children. Monday I'm booked in for a second scan, the midwife implied that it might be possible to have and D&C the same day. This might be the best option as it gets it over and done with and won't affect the children's lifes. However, it does feel as if I'm getting rid of it and aborting it rather than it happening naturally.

Heartbroken.

Today we recieved the news that our baby will never be. I will never get to cuddle, kiss or hold him. To count his fingers and toes and to smell him. I have however, in his short time he has been with me been able to love him completely and this I'm grateful for. This week is going be difficult for us all and I'm praying for a miracle for the small bit of hope we have.

Tough

I think I am going crazy. At the moment I'm finding time when I feel so low and upset. A part of me wonders if I am use focusing on the thing that upset me to make myself even more upset and dramatic. I know things are not right but don't know how to deal with them. Last week I got a text from Vic asking if I was busy on the 18th August. I don't expect her to realise the significance of the date but it make me upset that I will probably the only one who knows and cares.
I keep thinking about what should be happening at the moment. I'm dreading it. I can't talk to John, I don't want to upset him.

Still thinking

Even though I have written about this in a while, I still think about the what ifs. Had a melt down when I got home from Marley Christening. I think I was worried about seeing all those people and got myself worked up so when I got home I just cried and cried.

Disappointed

When to the hospital yesterday for what I thought was the final scan. I was hoping that this would be the last thing and then I could move on. Not forget, just start to get back to normal and work. Unfortunately, this was not to be. The scan picked up that there was some tissue left. This get prove to be a problem if I get an infection. There was back to the options of pill, leave it or operation. I have chosen to leave it till next week and hopefully fingers crossed it will sort its self out. I have a scan booked for next Thursday at 10. If it hasn't gone by then I'm going to take to pill. I doesn't sound a good option but better than the operation. Feeling down still and angry about it, which John is getting.

Not so good.

Not a great day today. Feeling quite low again. I helps me write things down here. I don't think I will every post these post though. Just here for my own outlet. Still sleeping poorly. John asked me to get up about 9:15 I wish he hadn't. I had an awful headache and James was screaming in his high chair while eating his breakfast. All I wanted to do was sleep and think.

I just want sometime on my own. I wanted to go into town this afternoon, but John was wanting to get some balloons ordered and I felt bad because him looking after James wouldn't allow him to do that. Then he wanted us all to go to B and Q. I just wanted to go and have a quiet coffee and a look round the shops.

I'm bored with the routine things. I get up, feed James, change him, dress him. Then we play or I watch him until nap time 10:30 then he get up and I change him and start dinner, forward by clearing up. Then more play/watching TV, then nap at 3:30. Forward by me cooking tea and feeding him, changing him, PJs on and a quick play before he goes to bed. Then it is telly on. That is my day and it has been for weeks. I'm so fed up. John does help tidy, wash up, washing clothes. But he thinks I just sit in the other room and watch TV. He doesn't seem to play with him as much now. Just sits on his computer and moans about how much he hasn't been able to do.

Tree

Have been feeling a little down the last few days. I haven't been sleeping very well, so have been going downstairs to read so I don't disturb John. I'm fine when I'm busy but feeling as if something is missing. Sounds odd. There is a baby I will never get to hold.

After I few tears tonight and John comforting me again. I mentioned to John that I would like a blossom tree in our new garden, thinking that would be a nice way to remember the baby. It gets to me that I will have nothing to remember him by. I didn't tell John that was why I wanted a tree thinking he would think I was being silly. Speaking him tonight he had a similar plan to plant a rose bush at the new house. I think I blossom would be more suitable as James can play under it and it looks beautiful in spring.

Just 2 more days to get through. Tomorrow was meant to be 12 week scan day. I day where I would be able to see my baby. Wednesday is now scan day just to check that everything has gone. Deep breath.

Finding it difficult

Everything is rather tough at the moment. I'm Ok most of the time, but sometimes I think about the new house or not having a new baby to hold and I get upset again. We were looking forward to this year, so many exciting things were going to happen. The weekend before we had at last found a house and on the Sunday put a reserve down. We had planned how to arrange the room for the new baby and the furniture we would have to get for James big boys room. Now we have an empty spare bed.

I thought I was doing so well with this pregnancy. With James the whole thing was rather scary as I didn't know what to expect. Throughout this one I have been relaxed and calm and was enjoying the experience. I was so looking forward to having a new addition to our family.

I had just started to tell people outside of the family about me being pregnant. I'm worried that someone who hasn't heard the news will ask me questions or congratulate me and I will have to explain that there is no baby. I don't feel I can do that without getting upset. Because of this I don't want to leave the house in case I see someone. We are meant to go and chose units for our new kitchen but at the moment I don't think I can. It should be an exciting time organising the new house, but the lady who is dealing with it all knows I'm pregnant and I can't face seeing her.

I'm not looking forward to seeing the empty spare room.

I think/hope that once the final scan is over on Wednesday we can draw a line under things. Not forget, just move on.

I only have one congratulations card to remember the baby by. I know it sounds silly calling it a baby when it is only a few weeks old. But I know it was a baby. I was mine and Johns and he would have been beautiful and blonde just like James.

Sad News

Unfortunately this baby wasn't to be. Experienced a small amount of bleeding on Friday, it slowly increased over the weekend. On Tuesday decided to get it checked out and go to A&E. Col babysat while John and I went it. They checked my blood then sent me home with a scan appointment for the following day.

Wednesday had the scan and was told that there was no baby. Apparently it happened very early on in the pregnancy and there was not a think I could have done differently. Naturally, we all were very upset and shocked. We were given a few options, I decided to let my body sort it out rather than pills and operations. Have a scan booked in for the 8th Feb to make sure everything has gone back to normal.

Mum was babysitting James. John rang dad and told him. Dad went to see Grandma and told her. Mum stayed until James had his dinner. We decided to go and see Col because Peter had gone to India and she would be on her own. Dad met us at Cols and after a few tears we went to the pub for a bit to eat. It was OK. Took our mind off things and James was entertained by Marley. Got back at 7:30. I rang Katie and told her. John rang his mum.

Had bad cramps today all morning, but by dinner time things seems to have calmed down. I pleased it hasn't taken very long. Hopefully the worse is over. Still teary but James is keeping us busy and John is doing a very good job of looking after me, but I think he needs looking after too. x