National Trust Membership.

After much contemplation we (I) have joined the National Trust. We have joint membership, James and Penny being under 5 are free to enter the properties anyway. What finally swayed joining was currently they have an offer 3 months free and a free gift of binoculars (which will be tucked away for Christmas for James) for £73. Good offer, but living in deepest darkest Lincolnshire means properties are limited. However, we are quite close to Belton which has a fab play area and a new indoor area for children. They also have kids groups in the hoildays which we will make an effort to go to. As we are holidaying in Essex this year we are making a trip to Sutton Hoo and Lavenham both which have National Trust sites. Hopefully we will be able to get our moneys worth.
I have already used the card last weekend. A trip to Tattershall castle for a Princess and Knight day. Had a nice time, James made a shield and sword. The castle is more or less empty but you can, and we did, walk to the top of the castle. Once you have got your breathe back, the view is stunning.

James seem to have found a rebellious streak these last few days. I think he gets it from me. He is driving me mad with his no's. Not sure how to handle it yet. Going to see if it continues first, then maybe the naughty step or toys taken away or prehaps I should just yell back no when he wants me to do something.

Diggerland Yorkshire.

Wow, just WOW. I'm so impressed by this place. Where else could a 3 year old digger mad boy have control of real state of the art diggers. We had a brilliant day there yesterday. Everyone enjoyed it. James didn't stop running. As soon as he got off one digger he was racing to the next. Even stopping for a drink was hassle. Grandad couldn't get his head around the money and waste of good diggers but he too enjoyed it. James wanted to go with Grandad everytime which was nice.
It helped that the weather was warm. Despite being a bank holiday the place was nearly empty. There was no queues, which meant who ever looked after Penny didn't have long to wait before they got a go. James, who was just over 90cm was alllowed to go on almost anything, though offen with a adult to help him steer. He would not have liked the fast spinning one or roundabout. The only one he would have liked to go on was the little cars. He says his favourite was digging a big hole and hooking ducks with a digger. He also dug for treasure (bricks in stones), knovked down skittles with a little knocking ball, drove a bobcat, rode in a big digger with a backhoe, drove a little tractor (he snook onto this as he was just under the height restriction), and drove a dumper truck. I was spun round like a loon and shook up in a digger bucket, I also had a go at driving a digger a go kart and had a go on the roundabout. As well as all that there was a huge indoor play area and small bouncy castle.
Afterward we had a meal at a local pub, both James and Penny quickly fell asleep in the car home. He revived himself once home long enough to have a hot chocolate and say goodbye to Grandad.

DIGGERLAND

Yay. Today, thanks to James getting control of his bladder, we are off to Diggerland in Castleford.
Not sure if James is more excited about Diggerland or the fact Grandad is coming with us.

The Great Potty Bribe. Part 2

After little success with the briding of sweeties to make James starting toilet training, we then moved on to pennies. This seemed to have the desired result and John and I thought we had had a break through. WRONG!
Unfortunately, it was probably more our fault than James. We had a weekend away in London and decided to put James in pull ups for the duration of the trip. This was a mistake. During and after the trip James was poorly and won't move off the sofa, so again we left him in pull ups. Another mistake. Then I was ill and Mum offer to look after James while I got better. Mum kept him in pull ups. Not her fault, we packed a load him his suitcase for her to use. Then I had my miscarriage and I went into a fuzzy fog leaving John to manage the kids and his own thoughts rather than managing together. All this resulted in James completely being confussed as to whether he was in pull ups or pants and having to ask us which. If we answered pull up he refused to go to the potty and had avgreat hissy fit. Time for action and a plan.
Deep breathe, we decided to go cold turkey. Dump all pull ups and nappies except at nap and bedtime. As sweeties and Pennies didn't work we decided to go straight in and use he obsession with diggers. The teacher in me made a reward chart and we decided to be mean, 20 completely dry day equals a trip to Diggerland. We googled Diggerland to get him excited and looked at all the different things he could go on. Every evening if he had stayed dry that day he coloured in one of the squares on his chart. It worked. Apart from one tiny accident when Marley came to play, we have had no wet pants. Fantastic. We do have to plan any trip around toilet stops but that doesn't matter. I had to do the same when I was pregnant.
So tomorrow, weather demanding,  Diggerland here we come. I think I'm looking forward to it as much as James.

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY PENNY

My gorgous daughter is today. We have had a lovely day. This morning she (with lots of help from James) opened her presents. We got her a sand pit, James got her a bucket and spade, Grandma Greenaway got her a castle which has ball that spin round it, Grandad Dennis got her a interactive Noahs ark which James is using as a dock unloading cement. Grandad and Nanny came for dinner. They got her lots of clothes, as did Holly, Vic, Mum. Mum also got her a pushchair and doll. Col got her a babies bed and highchair which she has figured out already, even though dolly is upside down most of the time. It was lovely seeing Grandad and Nanny as we don't get to see them as offen as we like. 

Col, Marley, Grandma Dennis, Holly and 3 week old Beth came for tea. Penny had a lovely time playing, though she needed a nap mid way though. Tea was very yummy. James and Marley played at having babies. They were sticking teddies up their jumpers and having them. I think seeing Beth had an impact. Both of them had a little cuddle and stroke. James and Penny are now exhausted and tucked up in bed. 

Lovely Family Weekend.

We have had a super Easter weekend. On Thursday we visited Heckington windmill. A lovely place to visit for an afternoon. It had advertised a Easter egg hunt, but upon arriving it had been advertised wrong. The lovely lady ask James to find all the little mice hiding in the mill. James was brilliant at climbing up and down the steep ladders. Once he found all the mice the lady found him a little Easter egg, certificate and a badge. Since then James for bedtime story has been learning about how windmills work. I'm glad somethings stink in.
On Friday we visited Lincoln did a bit of shopping, got Penny's birthday present and had a lovely steak (which James is now liking). Then had a trip to see Grandma and Grandad. James was a bit of a grump but perked up when Grandma found him a tea set to play with.
On Saturday we wandering into Sleaford to pick up some secondhand clothes and a present for Penny. While walking round we went to the church and did an Easter story egg hunt, which James enjoyed so much he wanted to do it again. We also visited to National Craft Centre and had afternoon tea. They also had an Easter egg hunt, so James did that.
Sunday we had Grandad over for dinner. After dinner we did a mini Easter Egg hunt in the living. Penny sort of got the idea with a little help. James was far too good, we will have to make it harder next time.
James and Penny have been lovely all weekend. Sometimes I feel so lucky to have such well mannored and lovely children. They get on so well together. James looks after Penny all the time. When we did the Easter egg hunt he asked to man if Penny could have an egg. Penny absolutely adores James and follows him round and wants to go where ever he goes. It is James thats makes Penny laugh most and I often hear them in fits if giggles, so much I have to leave whatever I was doing to take a peek to see what is amusing them. I only hope that they are this fantastic as they grow up.

Trying to Budget.

Just recently our food bill seems to have increased substantially. We have gone from doing a £60/£70 internet shop every 10 days with a few bits like inbetween. To £80/£90 a week with quite a lot inbetween. Much to John's dismay, it is time for action.
As a supply teacher there are periods where I don't get any work which means no pay. As the Summer 6 weeks holidays draws closer I find I have to try and budget otherwise I struggle to make ends meet. I'm not saying we are poor and can't afford food, but the days out and meals out stop, as do buying clothes and little treats like coffee machines.
To begin with I'm writing down our food and meals out spending. Looking at ways to cut back. Prehaps using internet shopping again, planning meals or making sure I stick to a shopping list.

Help I'm turning into my Mum.

I got a bit of a fright the other day. I happened to glance at a photo and though, ohh that me I can't remember going there. On closer inspection and to my horror (no offence Mum) it wasn't me but my Mum. This got me thinking about how I'm gradually morphing into her.

1. I've started wearing scarves.  Not chunky warm scarves outside but flimsy fabric ones indoors.
2. I've become to enjoy gardening.  It used to be a dread chore. 
3. I got through everyones names before I get to the right one.
4. I start a topic of conversation don't end it and start another.
5. I now like handbags. I use to be a stick your money and card in your pocket person.
6. And the handbag is full of tissues (mostly used), a loose mint and I can never find my keys.

I'm sure there are many more. I told John that I was turning into my Mum, his comment is unprintable incase she is reading this.

Fighting a losing battle.

Today I'm having a mini rant, I'm sure I will get over it but for the moment I'm fed up at trying to keep my house looking nice and failing.
We move in to a lovely pristine house a little over a year ago. It was love at first sight. Beautiful newly fitted kitchen/dining room, large living room and 3 bedrooms. The walls were all freshly paint off white, along with a newly laid cream carpet throughout the whole house. Stunning.
However, since we have moved in it seems we are on a constant battle to keep it that way. There is a smudge trail that is child height going up the stairs. A bashed door frame from a sit on ride car. Splatters on the walls when food has been flung.
I feel that I'm turning into woman off Last of the Summer Wine, who follows her husband around with newspaper but instead I'm armed with carpet cleaner and a cloth.
When we have dinner nearly the entire carpet area is covered in a plastic mat to catch spills. I mean who would carpet their dining room cream. I'm saving to have it laminated. I dare not drink red wine for fear of a spillage.  Rant over, sorry about that.

DIY wooden play house.

A few months ago we purchased a wooden play house from Ebay.

After a few months of stating at it through the window, I have finally made a start on jazzing it up. This is the progress so far. A few more layer of paint, some bunting, a new window and some curtains and it will look fab. James is already enjoying playing in it.

So bad you have to laugh.

It isn't very often that I'm disappointed in a day out. We tend to be a family who make the most of what is given, be thankful and get on with it. Yesterday, my sister, mum and myself took James and Marley to visit Tattershall Farm Park. Which is described as a place where fun and farming go hand in hand. Ha. What a load of twaddle.

 Firstly, this place is just down the road from where we live. We couldn't find it, despite googling it before hand. There were no signs, nothing. It took us ages, I was getting more worried as James didn't have a nappy on and thought he might have an accident.  Col (sister) who was travel from a different direction spent over an hour getting there even though it was 15 miles away. We eventually found it down a pot holed, dirt track.

The price I didn't think was too bad £5.50, though it was the same price for a child as an adult which seemed a bit steep. The place itself is a few old barns and crew shed which have been altered. It looked grim from the start. There was 2 Shetland ponys in the smallest pen. I assume they have a bigger field somewhere. The tortoise area was non existent, we decided that they had escaped and were trying their luck in the wild. 

There was an outdoor wooden play area/obstacle course which was quite good but can be found in any park for free. There were also signs all over saying no adults in the play equipment. A few Little Tikes slides and houses were throw in for good measure. In one of the barns was a indoor soft play. The boys and Penny enjoyed running around. It wasn't busy (maybe due to people not being able to find the place) so they had the run of the place. It could do with some toilets in there and a few more chairs and tthe heating turned up as it was freezing.
In the other barn was a toddler area which had a few toys in it but smelt bad because it used to be a barn, a party room anda sandpit, which James and Marley enjoyed but was very cold to sit in and watch them play. 

The award winning cafe was ropey, with a smell of grease that hits you when you enter the place.  There was a definite lack of choice and it was expensive.  £5 for a panini and you had to ask for the side salad due to wastage! Marley had a childs jacket tate. The last potato so James couldn't have one. However, when his dinner arrived there was only half a potato on his plate. Goodness knows where the other had disappeared to. James has a ham sandwich and some of Grandmas chips. Luckly, I took a few munches with us for Penny and pudding. 

The animals were the wosrt part of the visit. As it sells its self as a farm park I did expect better. Near the outdoor play area was a classic farm animal, the raccoon. Just the one, looking very forlorn. Followed by a "colony", 2 chipmunks and I think 2 goldfinches. Nearby was an aviary containing 4 white doves, a pigeon and a pheasant. There were also a few chickens and a few sorry looking ducks in pens. In the main petting barn were a pig, 4 sheep, 2 rabbits and 3 baby rabbits. We thought there might be lambs as it is lambing season or goats and kids but no, nor were there any chicks just a sign saying there were coming. There were a few turtles, bearded dragons and mice in the reptile area. Despite the website stating that the animals liked cuddles there was no stroking the animals. No hands on displays and no staff in the petting barns. Oh I forgot the poor little barn owl and pegingrine falcon.  

The place feels like a swizz. That the owner thought a few animals and slide call it a park, charge what you like. There is no link between it and farming which was a shame for my farming/tractor mad son. Having said that, both boys enjoyed it and have a good day out, but they would have also enjoyed a day in the local park. In fact James spend the other morning in the village where we live watching them dig up the road. They are easily pleased. I think I'm more annoyed with the fact as adults we were taken in by having to pay to take them somewhere when in fact they don't really care.

I'm Sorry

Normally it is me who reminds people of family birthdays that are coming up. This year I'm slacking. Apologies go to Emily and Vic who both have had birthday last month which I have forgot. They have yet to receive their pressies and cards.  I have, however, got them some really lovely goodies.

And so I don't risk missing out on my nieces birthday in June I got this lovely set for her.

Extravagance.

For the last few weeks I haven't felt like going out and about. Despite this I have been a little extravagant. It isn't often I treat myself to something indulgent and thanks to the wonderful world of the internet the shops came to me.
My first purchase was a lovely baby blue jumper from Dorothy Perkins and a couple pairs of leggings which don't count as my old ones have holes in them. Baby blue isn't really my colour but I'm really pleased with it and it was a bargain in the sale and I had discount count codes as well. It is so soft and huggable. I just hope it washes well.

My next treat was a coffee machine. I've been itching for one for ages and dropping little hints at Christmas. This is the high of extravagance as really what is wrong with sticking the kettle on? As I'm the only person in te house that really drinks coffee it is a gift just of me. I decided on a Dolce Gusto Melody.  I managed to find it at a bargain price along with a few discount codes. It came with a £10 off code for the Dolce Gusto online shop. So far I'm really pleased with it. The hot chocolate is especially yummy. If I remember I will try to do a proper review on here after I have explored all the yummy pods I've been buying.

Can't Sleep

My favourite part of each day use to be moment as you wake up and begin to think about the day ahead and also the moments at night when everything is still just before you drift off to sleep.
I have come to dread these moments of the day. The moment I wake and realise that not everything is as it should be, that something is missing and can never be replaced.
The nights are the worst. Laying there willing myself to get some sleep, all the time thinking. I have started going to bed latter, watching rubbish TV in the hope sleep will come quicker.
During the day I can keep my thoughts at bay. James and Penny keep me busy. My garden has never looked so good, every weed has been pulled. I've made a good start on the playhouse, getting it painted.
If only there was a way to just switch my brain off. I desperately need a good nights sleep.

Getting Back up.

So for nearly 3 weeks (4 if you count the fact I have had the flu) I have been stuck at home. Apart from the hospital appointments, my hub has been centred in the house and garden. It is about time I try, however difficult, to emerge from my cocoon and return to the land of the living.

Clacton here we come.

Today I have booked our Summer holiday. We all are in need of a break and something to look forward to. Our choice this year is.....Clacton.
Not a part of the world we have been before so looking forward to exploring new exciting places. We are stopping at a Park Resort holiday camp. Many people would probably be cringing at the thought of these places, but we tend to use just them as a base and go out for the days. I do like the fact you can get food and there is some place for the kids to run off steam in the evenings.

My D&C

Yesterday I had my second scan at the hospital. As we thought I was going through a miscarriage.  This wasn't really a surprise as the bleeding had got worse over the week and the last 2 day I was bend over double with cramps.
I had already decided a D&C was the right course of treatment. Last time I had a natural miscarriage,  there was little pain, but it did take over a month to fully miscarry. Meaning that I didn't dare go back to work incase I bled. This time it didn't seem an option, I needed to get back on track and looking after the rest of my family.  I was fortunate to get the operation the same day.
I have never had an operation before and I think I have got myself worked up about it over the week. I'm also not the best patient. I don't like needles, but then who does. The worst bit was the drip being put in place, they had to have 2 attemps at it, but I was very brave and gritted my teeth. The operation was explained in great detail by a lovely midwife who dealt with  miscarriages.  She stayed with us throughout the day and looked after us brilliantly and didn't mind when I ended up a sobbing snotty mess.
I was really worried about what/where the baby went after the surgery. My fear was that it would be just chucked away in a bin. I know that it was only a size of a pea but it was still a baby to me and already a part of our family. The midwife reassured both me and John that it would be checked to see if it was all there, then given the the local crematorium where they hold a mass cremation and prayers are said and the ashes scattered in the remembrance garden. This was such a relief I couldn't stop crying.
The operation took about 15mins. It was preformed blind which meant the surge(another lovely lady) did it by feel. Basically,  she scraped the wall of the cervix to loosen the baby and placenta which is then removed.  I was anesthetised at 4.15 and came round just over an hour later. There wasn't any pain and I wasn't that drowsy.  I did go all shaking and cold, which is normal so they gave me more oxygen and blankets. An hour after that I was put on a drip and taked back to the ward.
I don't know whether it was relief or the anesthetics but I felt really well considering.  There was little bleeding which is expected to last up to 2 weeks. I had to wait 4 hours post op and they made sure could keep a drink then food down. Dad picked us up at 11pm, as I couldn't drive afterwards. I had the best nights sleep I had all week.
I don't think I would have managed yesterday or the whole week if John had not been by my side. He has been such I rock. Sorting out the kids, letting me sleep and cry and just being there when I needed him.
Today we had a good talk about how we felt. I think I have been rather selfish and self centred.  Thinking about it was just me going through this feeling the loss. We didn't even talk about this the first time I miscarried,  I just went in my own bubble. I know it may sound mean but it helps knowing that he feels the loss too.
Today I woke up feeling refreshed.  However, after walking around a bit I felt tender and achey. I keep getting waves of cramps not painful but uncomfortable. I'm going to take it easy over the next few days and keep the painkillers close by.

Completely drained.

At the moment I feel utterly exhausted.  I've been trying to keep busy to stop myself from thinking to much. The tiny hope I did have has died. The main concern at the moment is how, when, where and how painfully the miscarriage is going to be when it comes and if I can cope and also to not disturb the children. Monday I'm booked in for a second scan, the midwife implied that it might be possible to have and D&C the same day. This might be the best option as it gets it over and done with and won't affect the children's lifes. However, it does feel as if I'm getting rid of it and aborting it rather than it happening naturally.

Heartbroken.

Today we recieved the news that our baby will never be. I will never get to cuddle, kiss or hold him. To count his fingers and toes and to smell him. I have however, in his short time he has been with me been able to love him completely and this I'm grateful for. This week is going be difficult for us all and I'm praying for a miracle for the small bit of hope we have.